Discord, Decoded

You’ll need it for Family Center anyway, and it’s so much easier to manage a platform you’ve actually used yourself.

• Make your own account, on a computer, in the browser. Go to discord.com and open Discord in your browser. There’s nothing to install, and on a big screen you can see how it’s laid out: servers down the left, channels in the middle.

  Skip logging into your kid’s account to look around. You’d be staring at a setup someone else built, with no way to tell which parts are normal.

• Pick a username and a display name. Your username is your one-of-a-kind handle. Your display name is what people see, you can change it anytime, and it can even be different in each server.

  In my roller derby league’s server, my display name is my derby name. Everywhere else, it’s Family Tech.

• Join a server on purpose. My server, The Digital Village, exists for exactly this: parents poking around with zero judgment. Answer the join questions, read the start-here channel, and pick your roles.

  New members wait 10 minutes before posting, which keeps spam bots out. It’s the perfect amount of time to read the rules. Then say hi, or just react to a message with an emoji.

• Mute the whole server, then unmute two channels. Mute it before you read a single message, then unmute announcements and one channel you actually care about. If a channel won’t spark joy at 9 on a Tuesday night, it stays muted. Where to find it: Right-click the server icon›, then Mute Server›, then Until I turn it back on

  On your phone, the Discord app keeps its own notification settings, so mute it there too: tap the server’s name, then Notifications.

• Only get notified when it’s actually about you. Pick Only @mentions, then turn on Suppress @everyone and @here, so you only hear about messages with your name on them. Where to find it: Right-click the server icon›, then Notification Settings›, then Only @mentions
• Check your own age group. Most adults are sorted automatically. If yours says unconfirmed, your account gets the teen protections too, and you’ll need to confirm before you can change your teen’s Message Requests setting (section 4). Where to find it: Your account›, then User Settings›, then Account Status

  Confirming takes a few minutes, and Discord offers several ways, like sharing the age range from your phone’s app store account.

Every teen protection, and Family Center itself, runs off one thing: Discord knowing they’re 13 to 17.

• Wait for 13. Discord doesn’t allow accounts under 13, and it removes the ones it finds. Outside the US, your country’s minimum may be higher, up to 16 in some places.

  Please don’t fudge the birth year to get them in early. It teaches them that lying about their age gets them what they want, and Discord treats the account like an adult’s.

• Make their account together, with their real birthday. Sit with them while they sign up, so you both know the username and the birthday is right from day one.
• Make sure they’re at least 13. Discord doesn’t allow accounts under 13, and it removes the ones it finds.

  Not there yet? Talk it through, close the account together, and put their 13th birthday on the calendar so there’s a date to look forward to.

• Check their age group. Teen means the protections are on. Unconfirmed gets nearly all of them too. Adult means none of them are running. Where to find it: Their account›, then User Settings›, then Account Status

  Don’t see Account Status on their phone? Update the Discord app first.

• If it says Adult, fix that before anything else. Family Center can’t connect to an account in the adult age group, and none of the teen protections apply. The fix has to come from their account, not yours: they tap Confirm Age (or Retry) on Account Status and pick a method.

  One option shares the age range from their phone’s app store account, which uses the birthday on their Apple or Google account. If that doesn’t do it, they can ask Discord to update their age at dis.gd/request.

Family Center is Discord’s built-in parent tool. It only works if you both say yes, so this is a sit-down-together step.

• Get the code from their account. Choose Show Code for a QR code, or Copy Link to text yourself a link. Where to find it: Their account›, then User Settings›, then Family Center›, then My Family›, then Show Code or Copy Link
• Send the connection request from yours. Scan the QR code with your phone, or open the link while you’re signed in to your own account, and send the request. The Discord phone app is optional. A browser works fine.
• Accept it on their account. They’ll see exactly what you’ll be able to see before they accept. Read it together. Where to find it: Their account›, then User Settings›, then Family Center›, then My Family
• Add another trusted adult. A teen can connect up to three. It doesn’t have to be a parent, either: a grandparent, an aunt, or a grown-up sibling works too. They send their own connection request the same way, from their own account.

  Everyone already connected gets a heads-up whenever someone new connects.

• Know what you’ll see, and what you won’t. The last 7 days: new friends, who they messaged or called, total call minutes, their top five people and servers, new servers (with member counts), purchases, and gifts. You also get a weekly email summary. You’ll never see what the messages say.

  It’s like the old paper phone bill: your parents could see every number you called and for how long, but not a word of the conversation. Your teen sees the exact same dashboard you do, and it starts from the day you connect.

These live in Family Center on your account. Once you’re connected, your teen can’t change them on their own, and Discord doesn’t tell them when you do, so talk each one through with them.

• Sensitive content filters: blur or block. Blur hides flagged images behind a cover, and block keeps them from showing up at all. “Show” isn’t an option for teens.
• Friend Requests: pick friends of friends. The choices are Everyone, friends of friends, or Server members. With friends of friends, someone needs at least one mutual friend to even send a request.

  No setting is perfect, since a stranger can befriend one of their friends first. It still cuts out most requests from people they’ve never met.

• Server Direct Messages: turn it off. Then people who share a server with them, but aren’t their friends, can’t DM them.

  In a big public server, the member list works a lot like a phone book. This keeps it from being one.

• Leave Message Requests on. DMs from people who aren’t friends go to a separate inbox instead of their main one. It’s on for teens already, and changing it requires you to be in the adult age group (section 1).
• Go through Data & Privacy Settings. At minimum, turn off the two that use their activity or third-party data to personalize Sponsored Content.

Also in Family Center on your account. Let Discord be the one saying “that’s enough” instead of you.

• Set a monthly spending cap. $0 works if you’d rather they not buy anything. Once they hit the cap, purchases stop until next month. Where to find it: Your account›, then Family Center›, then Monthly Spending Cap›, then Edit›, then Save

  The cap doesn’t cover subscriptions like Nitro or Server Boosts. Those still show up in their weekly purchases, and if they buy on a phone, the purchase approvals from your iPhone or Android checklist can catch them.

• Schedule downtime. Pick the hours and days Discord is off, like school hours and bedtime. You can set more than one schedule. Where to find it: Your account›, then Family Center›, then Parental Controls›, then Screen Time Limits›, then Schedule Downtime

  They get a heads-up 15 minutes before downtime starts, and no Discord notifications come through during it. Tap Save Schedule when you’re done.

A few things only live on their account. Do these side by side.

• Keep their profile to friends and small servers. Teen accounts start with their full profile and activity visible only to friends and servers with 200 or fewer members. In their settings, look for Profile Privacy and Where I Share Activity, and make sure they’re still set that way. Where to find it: Their account›, then User Settings

  If their account says unconfirmed, these two start wide open, so set them by hand.

• Talk about the heads-ups they’ll see. A warning before accepting a friend request from someone they share no friends or small servers with, and sometimes a safety alert when someone new DMs them. Agree now on what they’ll do when one pops up.
• Practice blocking and reporting. Press and hold a message (or right-click it on a computer) to report it. Tap the three dots on someone’s profile to block them. Find both once together, before they ever need them.

  You can also report something on their behalf through Discord’s form for parents.

• Tell them they can loop you in on reports. When they report something, Discord asks if they want to let you know. If they say yes, you get an email saying they made a report, without the details.

  If that email ever shows up, start with “I’m proud of you for speaking up” before any questions.

There’s almost always a server on the list you’ve never heard of, and it’s almost always something harmless with a very strange name.

• Look at their activity once a week. New servers show up here with member counts. The weekly email works too. Where to find it: Your account›, then Family Center›, then Activity
• Size up any server you don’t recognize. Four questions get you a read in about a minute:

  1. How many members? Eight people is a group chat. Eight thousand is a town.
  2. Is anyone running it? Look for rules, mods, and a place to report problems.
  3. Are the adults-only rooms marked, so you’d know if you hit one?
  4. Does the conversation stay in the open, or does everything move to DMs?
• Ask about it, curious, not suspicious. “Hey, I noticed you’re in this server. What’s that about?” It’s one of the best conversation starters you’ll get with a teenager.
• Put a checkup on the calendar. Revisit these settings at birthdays and every new school year. When Discord moves them to the adult age group, Family Center disconnects on its own, so talk about that one ahead of time.