Family Tech

Family Tech Conversation Starters

The talks worth having with your kids about technology, one at a time, in your own words.

You don't need a script for these. You need a way to start. Below are eleven short conversations about technology, each built the same way: why it matters, a line to open with, a couple of questions to ask your kid, and one question to let them ask you back.

They work at different ages, on purpose. Readiness is about your kid's judgment, not their birthday, so trust your gut on which ones fit your family right now.

Sarah Kimmel

“The ultimate goal of digital parenting these days isn't to monitor our kids forever and ever, but to build internal boundaries so they don't need external ones.”

Sarah Kimmel, from Should You Read Your Kid's Messages?

Pick one tonight, not the whole list. Tap a topic to open it, have the conversation whenever it fits (in the car, over dinner, wherever), and tap "Mark as talked about" at the bottom for a soft reminder of where you've been.

Nothing here is graded and nothing gets sent anywhere. Your marks save in this browser, so you can pick this back up anytime.

Setting the Ground Rules

Start here. These four make every conversation after them easier.

How This Device Actually Works Here

Before a phone or tablet is really "theirs" to use, it helps everyone to agree on whose it actually is and what that means day to day. Skipping this part is how "just checking your phone" turns into a blowup six months from now.

Watch: Before You Give Your Kid a Smartphone

Say this to start

"Before this is really yours to use, let's talk about how it works in our house. This device is ours. We're letting you use it, and here's what that means."

Ask your kid

  • What do you think it means that this is "ours," not really "yours"?
  • How do you feel knowing I'll check in on your device sometimes?
  • (Just for fun) If you designed your own parental control app, what would it actually do?

Let them ask you

"What would make you take this away completely, and what would make you trust me with more?"

If they push back: if "checking my phone" feels like spying to them, here's how I explain it:

“Seatbelt laws are not in place because the government doesn't trust us to stay seated in our car. They are in place to help protect us if something happens.”

From my video on reading your kid's messages
What Counts as "Inappropriate" Around Here

Every family draws this line in a different place, and that's the point. Your kid needs to know exactly where your family's line is, not guess at it from whatever their friends' families allow.

Areas most families end up discussing

  • Language
  • Sexual content
  • Violence, including graphic or gory content
  • Gambling, including loot boxes (paying for a random prize in a game) and other bet-to-win features
  • Drug and alcohol use
  • Cruelty played for laughs, like pranks or humiliation content
  • Content about self-harm or extreme dieting

This isn't a checklist to agree on all at once. It's a starting menu. Pick whichever feel most relevant to your kid right now, and revisit the rest as they get older.

Say this to start

"Let's actually define what 'inappropriate' means in our house, so it's never a surprise later."

Ask your kid

  • What's something you've seen where you weren't sure if it crossed our line?
  • Have you noticed a friend's family has different rules than ours? What do you think about that?
  • (Just for fun) What's the strictest rule you've ever heard of another family having?

Let them ask you

"Was there a rule you grew up with that you don't think holds up anymore?"

What Counts as Personal Information (PII)

There's a name for the stuff that's risky to share online: personally identifiable information, or PII. It's more than a name and address. It's a school mascot in a photo, a daily schedule, a location tag, even a street sign in the background. One detail on its own usually feels harmless. Put a few together, and a stranger can often figure out who your kid is and where to find them. So this conversation is less about any single rule and more about learning to spot the whole category.

Say this to start

"There's a name for the stuff you should never post, even by accident. It's called PII, and here's everything that's actually in it."

Ask your kid

  • If a photo showed your school's sign in the background, do you think that counts?
  • What's something you almost posted but decided not to?
  • (Just for fun) What's something totally harmless you could post instead that gives away nothing?

Let them ask you

"Is there anything of mine online that gives away too much?"

What Actually Counts as PII

The full picture, in groups so it's easier to use in conversation.

The basics

  • Full name (first and last together)
  • Home address
  • Phone number
  • Birthdate
  • Personal email address

Where you are (or will be)

  • School name, mascot, or logo, even just visible in a photo
  • Sports team, jersey number, or practice schedule
  • Class schedule or daily routine
  • Travel plans, including "we'll be away this weekend"
  • Location tags on photos and posts
  • Street signs, house numbers, or landmarks visible in the background
  • License plate numbers

What identifies you specifically

  • A clear face, paired with a name
  • Voice recordings
  • Fingerprint or Face ID data
  • A photo of an ID, library card, or insurance card

What protects your other accounts

  • Passwords and PINs
  • Security question answers (first pet, mother's maiden name, and so on)
  • Financial account or card numbers

About your family

  • Parents' full names or where they work
  • A sibling's school or schedule
  • Routines that reveal when the house is empty

None of this means never posting again. It means pausing before a post to ask: does this, on its own or combined with what's already out there, give a stranger enough to find my kid in person?
Nothing Online Is Truly Private (or Erasable)

Two things are true at once: what feels private usually isn't, and what gets deleted usually isn't really gone. Screenshots exist. Other people's phones exist. This one conversation quietly does a lot of the heavy lifting for everything else on this list.

Say this to start

"Here's something worth knowing: nothing you post or send is ever fully private, and nothing is ever fully erased, even after you delete it."

Ask your kid

  • Has a friend ever screenshotted something you sent and shown someone else?
  • If you had to guess, how many people could actually see something you post to "just friends"?
  • (Just for fun, turn it around) What's the most embarrassing thing that's probably still online from when I was your age?

Let them ask you

"Is there anything from before I was born that's still out there about you?"

When Other People Are Involved

These three are about the moments when someone else (a stranger, or someone who seems familiar) brings the risk to your kid.

The Family Password

Voices and photos can be faked more convincingly than ever. A word only your family knows is a fast, low-tech way to check that an urgent call or message really is who it claims to be.

Watch: The Family Password Strategy (4:33)

Say this to start

"Let's pick a family password, one word only we know, so if anyone ever calls or messages saying it's an emergency, we can check it's really us."

Ask your kid

  • Can you think of a word we'd both remember, that a stranger would never guess?
  • What would you do if someone called saying it was me, but they didn't know our password?

Let them ask you

"Has anything ever seemed real to you online that turned out to be fake?"

When Someone You Don't Know Reaches Out First

A profile picture and a friendly first message don't tell you who's behind an account. The red flag isn't rudeness. It's that they reached out first, before your kid knew them any other way.

Watch: Online Stranger Danger Disguised as Peers (7:28)

Say this to start

"If someone you don't actually know messages you first, that's worth pausing on, even if their profile looks completely normal."

Ask your kid

  • Has anyone you didn't know in real life ever messaged you first?
  • What made you decide whether to answer or not?

Let them ask you

"Has someone online ever turned out to not be who they said they were?"

If they push back: if they say "but they seem really nice," remind them nice and real aren't the same thing. The ask isn't to distrust everyone. It's to pause and tell you first, every time.

If Anyone Ever Asks for a Photo That Feels Off

This is the hardest one on this list to say out loud, and the most important one to have. Anyone, even someone your kid thinks they already know, who asks for a photo that makes them uncomfortable is doing something wrong. Coming to tell you is never the wrong move, even if it's already happened.

Watch: A Serious Warning About Sextortion (6:51)

Say this to start

"If anyone, even someone you think you know, ever asks you for a photo that makes you uncomfortable, the answer is no. And if it's already happened, telling me is still never the wrong move."

Ask your kid

  • Did you know this can happen from someone pretending to be a kid your own age too?
  • What would make it easier for you to come tell me if this ever happened?

Let them ask you

"If I ever told you something like this happened, what would you actually do? Would you take my phone away forever?" (Answer this one honestly, out loud. It matters more than it seems.)

If they push back: if they say they'd be too embarrassed to ever tell you, this is the moment for the one sentence that matters most: coming to tell me is never the wrong move, and seeing it is the least of my worries.

Everyday Digital Life

Not every hard moment online involves a stranger. Sometimes it's just an app doing exactly what it's designed to do.

Your Four Go-To Moves, for Anything That Feels Off

This isn't just for scary or gross content. Perfectly normal content can still leave someone feeling bad: comparison, FOMO (fear of missing out), a friend's highlight reel making an ordinary Tuesday feel small. Whatever caused it, the plan is the same: block, mute, report, and screenshot, in whatever order fits the moment.

Watch: Customize Your Algorithm to See What You Want

What each move actually does

  • Screenshot first, before anything else. Blocking or muting can make the content disappear before you've captured proof of it.
  • Mute hides someone from your feed without them ever knowing you did it.
  • Block cuts off contact entirely, and they may be able to tell.
  • Report sends it to the platform to review. It's the one with real consequences, and easier to follow through on when you already have the screenshot.

Say this to start

"Here's your go-to plan for any time something online makes you feel scared, confused, or just bad, even if nothing about it was actually wrong."

Ask your kid

  • Has an app ever made you feel bad even though nothing bad actually happened?
  • Do you know the difference between muting someone and blocking them?
  • (Just for fun) Which app do you think has the biggest "highlight reel" energy?

Let them ask you

"Has anything online ever made you feel that way?"

Texting and Group Chat Manners

Who your kid can text, and how a group chat can quietly turn into a pile-on, are worth deciding together before it happens, not after.

Watch: Modern Manners and Etiquette in Technology (~19 min in)

Say this to start

"Let's talk about texting: who you're allowed to text, and what to do if a group chat gets messy."

Ask your kid

  • Has a group chat ever made you feel weird or left out?
  • How do you decide who gets added to a new group?

Let them ask you

"What's a texting thing you think adults do that's actually kind of rude?"

If they push back: if "everyone else's parents let them text whoever they want" comes up, it's fine to say plainly that this isn't about not trusting your kid. It's about not being able to vouch for who's actually on the other end.

Being Ready Before You Need It

The last two are about practice: spotting trouble early, and rehearsing what to say before the real moment comes.

Spotting a Scam

Scams aimed at kids and teens keep getting more convincing, but they almost always share the same four ingredients from the H.A.T.E. rule: Hyperlinks (don't click, type the address yourself), an unusual Ask for payment (gift cards, crypto, wire transfers), Time pressure, and Emotion (fear or urgency). Two or more together, and it's almost certainly a scam.

Watch: The H.A.T.E. Method Explained (9:42)

Say this to start

"Let's learn the four warning signs of a scam, so you can spot one before it works on you."

Ask your kid

  • Has anyone online ever asked you to keep a secret from me?
  • What would you do if a game offered you a "free" prize that needed your login to claim it?

Let them ask you

"Have you ever almost fallen for something like this yourself?" (Be honest. It's a more relatable answer than you'd think.)

Practicing What You'd Actually Say

The first time the right words leave your kid's mouth shouldn't be in the actual moment. Rehearsing out loud, like a fire drill, makes the real thing so much easier when it counts.

Say this to start

"Let's actually practice out loud what you'd say if one of these came up, so it's not the first time you've ever said it."

Ask your kid

  • Want to try it? I'll be the stranger, or the scammer, or the group chat. You tell me what you'd actually say.
  • Was there ever a moment you didn't know what to say, and wish you had?

Let them ask you

"Can we practice one where I say the wrong thing, and you tell me?"